My brothers are little girls

posted December 28

Instead of walking upstairs, grabbing a frying pan and whacking at my brothers faces, I’ve decided that I will write a blog instead.

My brother Ali is 17, Hassan is 14. Minus 10 from these numbers to get their mental age. To have such sacred names given to a pair of idiots is such a shame. It’s like naming a jar of pickles after Martin Luther King.

My brothers are your typical lazy American men. Instead of succeeding at school, they would much rather succeed in getting weapons in Call of Duty and argue with my mother about cleaning their room. The room with stale peanut butter, old dust bunnies, 3 year old chips which aren’t even produced anymore – in which they’ve probably never popped open a book that wasn’t filled with comics or other questionable material.

Ali and Hassan sit in their room all day and play video games which, if do not include decapitation, violence, shooting and drug dealing, are not up to par with their quality standards. This theme fits well with their lifestyle of movies as well. It’s a mans world eh?

The girls in this house cook [eh, well, we try] and clean every single day. Sam, Mel and I are in college and we all pull our own weight around the house. You know at times I might be annoyed, but I still do what I have to do. Once in a lunar eclipse my mother will ask Hassan and Ali to do something – like take out the garbage. Literally pull up the two plastic straps from the garbage bag, tie it into a nice little bow, walk 5 steps outside and throw it into a big thing called a GARBAGE BIN.

But this request is far too complex for any ‘man’ to handle, and this is why they must battle about it. Everything ends in a battle. Maybe the harmful fumes from the garbage will enter their feeble, non existent brains and cause them pain, maybe they are unable to tie the bags because it’s a huge puzzle for them or what if the bag is too heavy for their precious little man hands? Surely all that videogame playing gives them finger cramps.

With every school day rendering no homework, no tests [self claimed by them both], their daily schedule is doing whatever they want.
Their only argument for anything that is asked of them is, “WHAT ABOUT [the other brother]??? WhAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO? THATS IT??? THATS NOT FAIR!!! WHY DOESNT HE DO IT!!!”
Over putting away their shoes, closing the fridge, putting away the cereal they just took out, etc.

Ali and Hassan schedule and organize arguments about things they know they’ll have to do. Shoveling snow this morning? Not happening. Ali thinks that the light snow falling from the sky will pile up into 5 inches in a few hours so his shoveling will be useless. He talks back to my mother like he’s speaking to one of his high school classmates.

“I’m just getting my point across.”
How about you get your body across the room out that door and begin shoveling some snow – you pansy.
Hassan also follows Ali’s example, not successfully [not that Ali’s was successful] because even when he’s making sense [which is very unlikely] he still sounds like an uneducated idiot because he sounds like he’s been smoking for 50 years.

These boys would probably fail in the girl scouts trying to light a fire or fail in trying to sell a box of cookies. It’s that bad.

I am SICK OF hearing them complain about having to shovel 2 centimeters of snow every year for like 10 minutes, then try to act all ballsy when their friends come over all the while they go out to religious lectures about Ashura and being better Muslims and people. Yeah let me tell you how everyone is just a big fat hypocrite. You can go to as much lectures as you want and videotape them all and even start your own club but if you are not learning anything and if you are not trying to better yourself then you have learned NOTHING. You are a stupid little rag doll sitting in an empty seat in a lecture. You’re a ghost. That’s what you’ve become.

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